Saturday, May 16, 2009

Groove is in the heart........

12.51.
9 minutes before 1am.
Probably not the best time to be posting a blog when one has to be up at 7am. But there you go. As a very wise 11yr old named Lucy once said: You get that.

This evening, very late, of course, I had an epiphany.
I should warn you at this point, that I may be here a while. But anyone who is a regular reader of my not-so-regular-blogs is aware that I'm not known for the conciseness of phrase.... I'm more along the lines of your read-until-you-can-no-longer-feel-your-legs style of blogger....

So there it is... a question of style. Or lack thereof. Over the last year or probably 5, I've just lost it. I'm not even sure what "it" is. For the purpose of this exercise, let's call it my "Groove"....

There you have it: Cyndy wants to get her groove back....... I'm not sure that I'm up to posing this question when I sit here wearing uggboots & a pair of lolly pink flanellette pyjamas with sheep on them that are "Dreaming of Ewe..." Fetching, no??????

A girlfriend of mine almost peed herself laughing the other day when I told her that I had lost my motivation & drive, but that I had the idea that they were hiding in a corner of my mind, behind my libido that was rocking in a foetal position, sucking it's thumb............

Sad, but true. And I know that I'm not alone. I'm not unhappy, per se, just not ............... Discontentment: perhaps. A constant companion......

I went to Sydney yesterday: I am officially now a Registered, Endorsed Enrolled Nurse. So workwise, things are all good. Don't get me wrong: I have made major leaps & bounds in a professional sense. I placed myself on leave over the past few weeks, & now have to find work. But I'm not too concerned, as I think work will find me. And I am not my occupation, even though it binds to people & places.

There have been so may major changes in my life over the past few years & they won't be the end of it. Probably the oppposite, in fact. There are definitely more on the way. Aging parents & the care of the same in the knowledge that their health & abilities are going to diminish, teenagers becoming adults, retirement (as if that will ever happen) and the mortgage that just doesn't seem to shrink, even though the money does.....

I seriously needed a couple of weeks to re-group. Holidays..... I've been constantly busy, back & forth to Newcastle, running family members to appointments & such, here & there, just like everyone else. When I've been home, I've just stopped..........

Now look where that has led us.......

Beloved knew that there was something afoot when he entered the back door to the aroma of cleaning products & the frisson of activity in the air... at 11pm...... "I think I need my sunglasses... it's too shiny..." he said on his way to the shower.......

As I tucked him into bed with a kiss, I mentioned that I thought that I needed to get my groove back: he knew immediately what I meant & nodded in agreeance, with the comment "I think that we're both a bit like that, but we'll get there". And it wasn't sex that he was talking about, even though the loss of groove is not without collateral damage......

Ah, Beloved.

My divine husband. I really couldn't have asked for a better partner. I told my mum after knowing him for about 3 weeks that he was going to be "big".. you know, "the one"..... We've certainly tested each other out over the intervening years. It will be 25 years since we met on July 4, & we launched straight into a courtship that lasted almost 4 years before we were married. He gives me a lot of rope/freedom, but will always be there to lift me down if I hang myself with it. This is purely in a metaphorical sense, mind you. And this is ardently (if grudgingly at times) reciprocated. He has accepted my need to be away in both a physical & emotional sense, just as he accepts that I often cannot share his bed when he is snoring or sleep simply eludes me. Shift work & study probably made this a little more acceptable initially.

He loves me. Me, me, me me............

We're big on change at our place. We've never lived in one place much longer than 3-4 years. I'm not quite sure why. Beloved & I both lived our respective family home until the age of 21. Beloved's parents only sold their home a couple of years ago, & my dad is still living in the house that he & mum built in 1963.

Some changes & decisions haven't been the most successful, such as buying the house we're in now.... dumbass me, & dumbass Beloved for supporting me in this, even though he was trying to keep me happy. Beloved: now there was a good choice... ;0)

I'm not sure why I have this drive to keep moving.... I think that it may have weighed heavily upon our kids at times........ VBoy is adamant that we don't move again as he likes being a Denman Boy.....
After all, where is home? To me, it's simply been wherever we all are, & never about the postcode or walls around us.......

But back to the question of Groove. Maybe we never left it.

I'm a bit of an "action" person, although not in the physical sense: I'm rather lazy.... Economical with my energy, I am. I think that you make things happen for you. So, I guess I need to make some positive steps in the groove-making scheme of things. Get myself out of this rut that I seem to have grooved myself into & start making a new one. Maybe I just wore the old groove out, so that it just disappeared into the dust. Maybe I do need to just start etching away again..........

Enthusiasm..... Joy de vivre... Where are you??????

If only I knew where to start....... but there are some positive steps taken.

I have booked myself into the docs to address a few of my minor, but nagging health issues. It's boob-bus & pap-smear year. I probably need a consult with the gynaecologist: it's been a while. You'll be pleased to know (not) that I have a colonoscopy booked on June 10....... A visit to the dentist, optometrist & naturopath should round-out my look-after-me-campaign. Yegods! I'll be working until I'm 90 to pay the bills...... The dentist, in particular, will be fiscally challenging.

Hmmm.. maybe I think that I'd better get more active on the looking-for-work front. It might not find me soon enough.

Can you still feel your legs?

Blogging seems to bring some clarity, doesn't it? My cat is happily purring as he eats his food: he always does this. And into my mind pops......

"Free your mind, and the rest will follow"......
the EnVogue song from 1993.....

Yep, let's free my mind so that I can get some sleep: it's almost 2.30am.......

You know, maybe if I can successfully clear out the crap that clags up my mind, then I will indeed find the Groove that's in my heart.......

"Groove is is the heart....... ah, ah, ah, ah....." So say Deee-Lite, anyway.

After all, the cat is now snoring happily. I might try to do the same. And Beloved has just appeared looking delightfully dishevelled & bed-rumpled, with a questioning "wha....?" & shrug. He looks like he would be a snuggle that is second to none. I'm off then.

I'll keep you posted.

Night all.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz (hopefully)

9 comments:

Michelle said...

Cyndy, you have been running nonstop for a few years now. No wonder your groove has misplaced itself. I do know exactly what you mean! Maybe yours and mine are off grooving together waiting for us to get a chance to go get them :)

Constant stress is a groove killer.

All in good time

One hopes ;)

xxxxx

Jen said...

We are truly sisters. I could have written this too.

I wonder if Grooves have a special groove type place that they all go when they escape??

Damn groove. GET BACK HERE!!!

Michelle said...

Hmmmmmm...the grooviest place in the world...we better go there!

Cyndy said...

Hmmm.... maybe we are already in it..... OMG!!!! This can't possibly be all there is....What is the difference between a groove & a rut????
But it will do for now..... I'm too tired/busy/lazy to ...oh..whatever..... zzzzz.. still awake at 4am..awake at 6, up & going at 7.30.... been to football.... going out tonight.....

Thank you sisters ;0)

Lovers you xoxo

J said...

Gosh. Not sure what to say, but the one thing that struck me while reading was that this writing is so good for you. Whether public (blogging) or private - keep writing. It's a tonic for you, I feel. Especially this post, as it seems so different to your others. Honesty is a good thing. Doesn't have to be public, but keep writing away. A new groove will come soon. ♥

P.S. I'm holding you accountable for the medical bills incurred from my DVT :) hehe

J said...

By the way, a groove changes - it's fluid, it flows with you. A rut is always the same... in my opinion...
Interesting question!

Natalie said...

I'm in, for the lack of groovy fest!
Maybe we could slap on some Daryl and
think we are still groovy even if we aren't.
In any case, Cyndy, I think you are heaps groovy, even if you feel it has eluded you somewhat.xx♥

Michelle said...

Bad bastards no doubt :)

or rabbits :O

Rob-bear said...

Don't know if you are, or are not, groovy. But you're gutsy. And fun.

I absolutely was blown out of my groove three years and 4 days ago, with a nasty chronic problem. I'm just starting to get better. But I'm still not in my groove. [Sigh!]

Best I can offer is an Canadianism: "Be cool, but stay warm."

And who knows maybe you'll "nurse" your way back into your groove.

So hang in there, Cyndy. She'll be apples soon enough.